but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
