Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
