So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
