You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
