you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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