I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do vagina's smell?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
