I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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