he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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