He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
