Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
