The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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