God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
