just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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