if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
