I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
