today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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