Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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