I'm pants shitting drunk right now
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Dear god my vagina.
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