is your mom at the bar?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
