I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
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I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
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Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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