she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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