i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
