She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
