I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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