Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
