new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
We need to feng shui this bitch.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
