so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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