If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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