just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
