I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
