how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
