I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
