I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
