DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
