if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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