Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
