I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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