Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
