A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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