nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize