ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
