also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
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So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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