i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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