Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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