I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
