In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
