I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
