I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
