I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
