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• (301): View more from Maryland

  Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

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• (518): View more from New York

  I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants

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• (601): View more from Mississippi

  Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through

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• (817): View more from Texas

  I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"

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• (607): View more from New York

  Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?

  (1-607): View more from New York

  I think so and I think we were sober.

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.

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• (801): View more from Utah

  Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?

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• (646): View more from New York

  I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole

  (516): View more from New York

  Hahaha oops.

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• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch

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