Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
