I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
