oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
