My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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