I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
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So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
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Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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