First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
