I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
