Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
