btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
