I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
