my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
